right now i feel like shit and i don't know what's going on with my body. i didn't start last week like i was supposed to and i'm gonna wait till the end of this week before i run out and buy a pg test. the thing is i'm not supposed to be able to get pg i got my tubes tied a year and a half ago. if i am pg then there's a chance that the baby's growing in my tube and i'll have to have the baby removed. this sounds so terrible because babies are supposed to be blessings not something that causes problems. there are other things or should i say ppl that are making me feel like shit too but i'm not really gonna get into that because some of you will tell me you told me so. yeah the one i thought was so great turned out to be a jerk. well i knew better anyways but am glad i found out now than when it was too late and i decided to leave where i am to go there. i guess i knew he wasn't for me the more he and i chatted i could see kinda similarities between he and my bf which is not good. well i'll keep ya'll posted at to what happens between now and when i find out for sure what's wrong with me.

I was having another one of thos what if moments the other day and i was thinking about jason my first kiss. i wonder what's become of him i haven't seen him in about 6 years or so. i remember that first kiss like it was yesterday. god to go back to those days. i guess he thought he wasn't good enough for me and who knows he never really gave us a chance. had he stuck around a lil longer he might've been my first as well. he was so thin and tall with pale blue eyes but i guess i wasn't what he was looking for. i was so green at 20 never having lived and still really haven't. he knew how far i wanted to go but he never tried to take advantage of me. i don't know if anyone poisoned him against me. i'm sure lots of ppl told him i was too innocent for him and he wasn't good for me. he was troubled and not wanted at home. his dad was always running him off and he just needed someone to love him. i used to cry myself to sleep sometimes worrying about him because he'd work long hours and get hardly any sleep and take caffeine pills to stay awake. when he drank liquor everyone stay off the roads. there were a few times he'd drive home drunk and not know how he got there. he wrecked his pickup more times than i can count. i wanted to be with him so bad but i didn't know what to do or needed to do. sometimes yes i regret letting him slip away from me. yes i know things happen for a reason who knows where he is or what became of him. where ever he is i hope he's living a happy life.

i was also thinking about tony my first real crush. actually i think i still a thing for him. just thinking about him in his wife beater shirt, and jeans damn. i think he had a thing for me too we always flirted back and forth everytime we'd see each other in the halls (flash back to jr high and high schooland still now). his smile would just melt me i don't know what it was or is about him that attracts me to him. he's got 4 girls and he's divorced. lol i'd prolly fuck his brains out given the chance (ok prolly not) i've heard lots of rumors about him and how he'd cheat on his wife. i can kinda believe it because that's how their family was raised. i don't really know his exwife but i know she is somewhat younger than he is. who knows how things would've been had he and i ever gotten together. i see guys now and then that i had crushes on and think man he's let himself go. i know i'm no prized pig myself and that i've changed since back in the day not by much sadly. i have let myself go since i had my kids and i'm trying to sort of find myself and figure out who exactly i am.

badgurl, sorry to see you so sad at the beginning of the diary

I hope you won't have a positive result on the PG test since I understand from you that it would be a problem. I had my period late with 2 days and it's the first time in years when it happens. It's usually at an exact hour (I'm on the pill) and having it late shocked me. Let's hope that it's just late and you won't have any issues afterwards.

About the guy being a jerk, no one would come and say "told you so" because we all have our share of "mistakes". I think we all want the other to be perfect and believe blindly in human greatness, until we realise the other one is not as good as we thought he/she'd be. It's part of the life and all the problems we run into ...

You might try to meet Jason. Not to be together again, maybe just as friends ... see how he's doing ... you might feel better afterwards.

Don't worry .. you are a great person and yes you deserve to be happy. Don't start from the premise that you are less than perfect (I don't mean you should be a walking puppet, so proud of who you are that you can barely breathe), but just realize your exact potential and love yourself for the awesome person you are. Yes you're not a godess, none of us is, but you are a good woman, with feelings and from what I can infer from your posts: a very smart one too

Keep us posted and I do wish you some better days

Hugs and kisses from the other side of the world

thank you, Ramona i will keep everyone posted on what's going on with me. i've had late periods before 1 or 2 days was ok but anything past that was a sure positive. i'm worried more about having to abort the baby and my health than the fact that it could be someone elses baby and not my bf.

ok what is it with some men and their nipples? they expect us to let them suck, lick, twist, or whatever they feel like doing to them at the time, yet when we try it they makes us stop. um totally not fair we should be allowed to do what we feel like just like they do? i don't care how sensitive they say theirs are cause news flash ours are too. anyways someone please fill me in on what's the deal and notice i said some men not all men.

well for those of you that have been keeping up with me i started sunday. so I'm ok i guess but i was a lil relieved, disappointed and still a lil worried. I'm sure you can understand where these feelings come from. relieved because I'm not pg, disappointed because i wasn't but we would've possibly had to do something that i don't believe in abortion. if i would've been pg then there was a chance of the baby growing in my tube and would've had to be removed. still a lil worried because i don't know what was going on. I've never been this late since getting my tubes tied last year. i had a mini meltdown saturday i was sitting at home again all alone just my boys and i and they kept fighting and getting into stuff being boys and ages 3&1 of course they're not gonna listen. i just got so frustrated i started crying. saturday was the 6yr anniversary that i lost my son Gabriel. i can't help but think what he would've looked like. if he was gonna be tall and big built like my Leroy is or thin and scrawny like my Noah is. i know he's up there in heaven with his big sister jazmyn, uncle Jacob, and his grandma looking down on us. there are more times than not i feel like my boys don't deserve me. i'd go crazy if anything ever happened to those lil guys as much as they frustrate me and do things they're not supposed to.

i'm sitting here right now and i'm feeling very lonely. been feeling like that for a long time now. can anyone tell me how to make this feeling go away. i feel so empty inside right now like there's nothing inside. i don't have anyone i can really talk to in my life and my bf is always more concerned about everyone else but me. my "friend" isn't much better he's always working so he says. it doesn't matter what he does because i think i'm gonna give him up. well he was never mine to begin with just someone that i had 2 good times with. i don't know what i want any more or who i am. i had a mini breakdown last weekend. i was feeling so stressed and over whelmed that i started crying. i just want to leave and never turn back. i know that no matter where i go my problems will still be there waiting for me. sometimes i feel like i have nowhere to turn. my family has told me a couple of times to leave the bf but where am i gonna go? it's not like they're gonna take me and my boys in or support us. it's too expensive to rent an appt here in town. i don't know what the hell to do anymore.

Uff .. I hate these times too. I don't have yet a family but such days and feelings as you describe here are something I have too. Last year I was a wreck when the radio I worked at was sold and after 2 weeks my BF let me know he's gonna go work in Germany for 10 months. First 2 months after he left I was totally messed. Used to cry each night (and those know know me, know I am not that type of a woman .. I seldom cry, but then I was just down).

He came back and we're together and everything is OK. I am HAPPY, but damn it if I don't have such days too. Even if we're together, I've got a good family, I have a good job with a good pay, I have sites to worry about, I even resumed my Karate classes and was able to re-gain some of my "life", I still have such downtimes.

I cannot explain them. I cannot even related them to PMS or weather. Sometimes it's just that I am grumpy, I have no passion for my work ... even my doggie annoys me ...

I cannot really tell you what I would do .. sometimes such breakdowns might just be a sign that you are tired and stressed, or just apparently related to nothing. Some days we just cannot be happy and full of energy. It amazes me, but it does happen.

In a way I am happy that you weren't pregnant. I learnt from you that it would have meant a lot of problems and risks, maybe it's better this way. You already have 2 wonderful kids who can sometimes be a lot of work for a mom (as I read in your diary). So sorry for the 2 angels you already lost. Life is sometimes NOT fair, but in the end every experience makes us stronger and better persons. They're up there looking at you ...

Don't know what to say about your BF .. in a way he's just acting like a man. many have days when they just don't "notice" anyone else. Is this lack of communication the only issue in your relationship? Maybe it's indeed the time to try and think about this relationship very seriously. You should also have a conversation with him too, maybe he's unaware of some of the problems. I might even consider .. don't know .. a counselor .. Sometimes they are a good choice since they have a lot of experience in couple problems and just the fact you are both seeing one might send an alarm to your BF that something is not quite OK. I think that's what I would do: a nice peaceful conversation, no fighting, just a friendly and sincere talk and maybe trying to find a solution TOGETHER.

You seem to be indeed lonely .. I am something like that too, even if I don't look like it. I have one friend now (a very close one) and she's Adi. We grew together and she left for some years. She came back to the apartment she lived as a kid and for some months I have to confess I have got a good friend (at last). Otherwise I know a lot of people, but I just don't get out a lot. And a friendship is almost like a relationship: you need to "court" the other one to make it last.

I might suggest that you spend some time away from home too (1-2 hours a week or something like that). Maybe get to a dancing class as Gabby does. She seems to have coped with a lot of problems easier since she's started this. From what she tells us she's happy, healthy and has a lot of friends. Maybe it's a good idea. It's not about getting to contests or being the best dancer that is, it doesn't matter. The important thing is to get out of home for 2 hours, meet new people and have some fun. it can really make you feel way better. If it's not dance, it can be something else: karate, sewing classes, yoga, cooking whatever. A group of people you'd spend some time with ...

Sorry for the long rant .. I am trying to get some ideas flowing .. hope I made sense

ok so the bf and the boss hauled ass tuesday to tenn i was all alone wed tried getting a hold of my boy toy kb but haven't heard from him in about 2 weeks i'm worried because he was sick. I'm kinda worried about him but not sure if he's brushing me off or if he's still sick. anyway so i waited for a new guy i started talking to but he had to go out of town and work. sat here in the office thursday and kept an eye on a customer till about 8 p.m. well i left my new guy an im letting him know that i'd be alone today. when i got here to the office he replied that he could be here in an hour if i wanted. hell why not right? anyway he gets here to the office and we spend like an hour or 2 just getting to know each other and flirting. i didn't think he'd ever make a move on me. i sat on my desk top and waited and flirted and i think he finally got the hint. i stood up and he walked over to me and slowly kissed my neck and nibbled lightly. his beard on my skin was giving me the chills but it felt so good. i could feel myself getting wet in no time. he was being careful not to rush me in case i wanted to stop. he began playing with my tits through the outside of my shirt. i turned my back towards him and he was kissing the back of my neck and kept playing with my tits. i lifted my shirt to allow him better access to my tits, i then pulled them out of my bra. as he was kissing my neck and playing with my tits i began grinding my ass against him. i could feel his hard cock against my ass i took my hands and began rubbing him making him even harder. i turned back facing him and sat on the edge of my desk to allow him to slide his hands in my pants. he rubbed my pussy through the outside of my panties and i began to get even more wet. i took his hand and slid it in my panties he began rubbing my slit nice and slow then slide 2 fingers in my wet pussy. god that felt so good he played with my pussy and sucked my tits nice and hard. i love to be finger fucked that i was getting even more wet. i had to stop him and asked him to pull his car in to one of our shop bays that way nobody would know he was there. we walked back into my office and i made sure all the doors were locked and shut the lights off to make it look like i was gone to lunch. so we made our way to my special table and he began working on me again. i couldn't take anymore and he couldn't either so i slipped out of my pants and he pulled his down. i sat back on the edge of the table be began rubbing his cock against my pussy. i was so wet he went in with no problem it felt so good when he began fucking me slowly. he began to pick up the pace as i asked him to fuck me harder and he played with my clit mmm that was good he made sure i came first then he pounded me even more as i told him i wanted to hear and feel him cum. he pounded me faster and i came again as he came. my legs were so weak i could barely put my pants back on. even though he's a sloppy kisser he was a good lay. man i can't wait till hopefullynext time.

seven years ago today God chose to take you from me. there isn't a day goes by that i don't wonder how beautiful you'd be my little girl Jazmyn Nicole. mommy was pregnant with you when went to be with God but i got to see you and hold you were beautiful. i think you would've been tall like your aunt. you were 1 lb 2.5 oz and you were 11.5 inches long. mommy has a pic of you my little angel at home. today is your uncle Jacob's birthday too he'd be 18. i'm sure he's keeping you and your brother Gabriel, and grandma company up there in heaven looking down and watching us. your brothers Leroy and Noah are silly aren't they? :cry: